One Year Ago, September 2017
A year ago today, I had just started my Disney College Program. I was so excited to finally be living out my dream, working for the Walt Disney Company. Every part of my experience was wonderful. I was assigned the housing option and role that I had been praying for. Everything I had worked for during my four years in college seemed to be finally panning out. The goals and plans I had made finally seemed to be materializing into reality.
Life Changes Fast
As perfect as life may seem, there is always a challenge hiding around every corner. Challenges that you will face, or sometimes, even worse, challenges your loved ones will have to face. Moving down to Florida, my mom was waiting on final results from a PET scan that would clear her once and for all from her six-month battle with a rare form of cervical cancer. At only 40, cancer came as a complete shock to us all, but doctors and treatments allowed us to feel invincible on most days.
However, just a month after her treatments were complete, a few weeks into my new life, my family and I received news that would change everything. My mom was still sick, and her cancer had spread.
Highs and Lows
I had never experienced such high highs and such low lows before in my life, which would set the tone for the year to come. My mom, the amazing woman that she was, refused to allow me to give up my dreams. She made it impossible for me to come home- we had worked so hard for me to have the opportunities I had. She refused to let her illness take more of our lives than it had to. My mom continued to try experimental treatments and in early January, I finished my Disney College Program. Right after, I was set to begin an internship AND weekend job here in Orlando. I found a house to share with friends and was blindly optimistic about the months that would follow.
February 2018
In the last week of January during a conversation with my brother over FaceTime, something in my heart just dropped. I suddenly knew things were not good and that I needed to get home to be with my family. For the first time, I wasn’t just scared sporadically, I was scared every day about the impending doom I could feel looming over me. On February 2, I arrived in New Jersey. For months my family had reassured me that everything was fine, that my mom was doing well, based on her orders. When I arrived home that Friday night, my step-dad and my dad told my brother and I that we all needed to talk. There was nothing more that could be done. It could be months, it could be weeks, but soon, my mother would be leaving our physical world.
Mid-day on February 5, I sat by my mother’s side as she took her last breath. Those moments my family and friends shared in a dark corner room of the hospice floor will be some of the most painful of my entire life. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her selfless soul and illuminating smile.
I am so thankful for the friends and family that stayed by my side in the following days. During this time, I did nothing alone, taking a friend with me to sit and talk even while I showered. I felt that once I was alone again, life would actually be different. I held onto others to try to stop life from moving on, but it always does.
The Next Six Months
A few weeks later, it was time for me to come home to Orlando. My mom had sacrificed so much for me to be here, and I knew I couldn’t give up on my goals and dreams. Upon arriving in Orlando, things began to unravel pretty quickly, in a way that I laugh at now. Again, highs and lows. I loved my job and was so thankful for such a wonderful opportunity, but my life at home was hitting a rough patch. I wasn’t happy with where I was living, it was an all-around toxic environment. My laptop screen cracked, my brand new sunglasses were lost, the windshield on my car had to be replaced, I was rejected from job opportunities, traveling was canceled- I lost money left and right and bad luck seemed to follow me.
My step-dad and I compare my life after my mom’s passing to an atomic bomb being set off in my life and as I tried to stand back up again, someone repeatedly punched me in the face.
Although things hadn’t been perfect, I was still here. I had the opportunity to simply be alive and I wasn’t going to waste it. As bad as things could get, I knew at the end of the day, I was still lucky. I planned for months for August to be a time for renewal. In late June, I moved out of my poor living situation. Even though I had nowhere to go, my wonderful friends took me in for about a month while I waited for my new apartment.
August 2018
August would mark six months without my mom, the most difficult six months of my life. I decided I would dedicate the whole month to traveling and seeing family and friends before moving into my new space and starting another new job. I started the month with my family in Ohio and Kentucky, it was a wonderful trip. But as tends to happen, life did not go 100% according to plan. My next vacation was set to be shared with my significant other of almost 5 years but at the beginning of the trip, we decided to end our relationship instead. It was a very mature separation and I still hold a great deal of love and care for this person. Sometimes you have to let things go in order to grow. I found myself in New Jersey again where I reconnected with an old friend before setting off for my final week of traveling with family in Hawai’i. We stayed at Aulani for our first vacation without my mom. Bittersweet to say the least, we had a wonderful time together, honoring her memory and enjoying the island.
Today
I am so thankful for the life I live- I know that I am an extraordinarily lucky girl. An incredible support system, an education, a long list of goals, and an optimistic outlook are things that no one could ever take from me, and that is more than enough. I share what I have gone through not because I long for pity or because I hate my life, but to share that what is on Instagram is not always the whole picture.
From the outside looking in, I know what my life looks like. It’s not fun to share the things going on in your life that you would like to change. It’s way more enjoyable to share pictures of awesome food and beautiful places. On Instagram, it’s easy to share the highlights. But here, I feel like I am able to share more of myself and my story. I tried to write only about the good and the fun, but it didn’t feel genuine anymore. I love my life, the good and the bad, the highs and the lows, and I wanted the chance to share all of it with you.
Today, I am happy. I have decided that regardless of what happens next on my grand adventure, that I will take it one day at a time. In the last year, I have learned how to find happiness and joy, even amongst stress and sadness. I have become more thankful for the people around me, for the life I lead, and for the opportunities I have. I have realized that people will come and go in your life in ways that you never would have imagined.
Most importantly, I have fully grasped that none of us are promised anything in this life. Nothing is a guarantee and in a way, that’s an enormously freeing thought.
Until the Next Adventure,
Josie
